The guy’s at The Onion are funny on another level with their new Brazil World Cup list.
It’s so funny you’re probably going to laugh until you cry.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Strength: Hair gel slathered all over body allows him to easily slip away from defenders
Weakness: Shy in front of cameras
Position: Midfield Hunk
Biggest Fan: Mirrors
Favorite Player From Childhood: Cristiano Ronaldo
Schedule: Majority of day taken up by personally responding to each and every wall post from his 50 million-plus Facebook followers
Plans For Future: Continue being millionaire-athlete-playboy
Signature Moves: Step-over, double step-over, triple step-over, quadruple step-over
Lionel Messi
Strength: Has enough money to order pretty much whatever he wants when out at a restaurant
Weaknesses: Looks especially tiny on soccer’s biggest stage; Low center of gravity would be useless in weightless environment of space
Number Of Commercials Filmed For Pepsi: Enough
Awards: All of them
Trademark Goal Celebration: Staring blankly at teammates while standing quietly
Favorite Part Of World Cup: Incredible feeling of pride playing for country he hasn’t lived in since he was 12
Neymar
Strengths: Is Brazilian but doesn’t have to live there; Dives after every loose ball
Weakness: Can’t juggle ball more than two or three times
Age: Younger than you
Family: Son of two world-class soccer balls
Working On: Kicking with both feet at same time
Biggest Secret: Actually thinks Brazilian protesters make some very good points
Time He’ll Spend In Brazil After World Cup Is Over: 17 Minutes
Mario Balotelli
Strengths: Despite being just 23, already has wealth of experience being subjected to racist taunts during big matches; Always gives full 30 percent on training ground
Weakness: Constantly ridiculed for being black, when it’s his terrible haircut that deserves the abuse
The Type Of Person Who Sets Own Home Ablaze After Lighting Fireworks Indoors: Yes
Playing Style: Temperamental
Gives A Shit About Playing Soccer: Sometimes
Chance Of Ever Realizing Full Potential: Pretty much zilch
Clint Dempsey
Strengths: Has veteran poise that young U.S. squad needs to remain composed in face of crushing defeat; Equally adept with both left and right elbows
Weakness: Captain of the U.S. men’s soccer team
Best Attribute: Special knack for scoring late consolation goals
Greatest Accomplishment: Convinced Jurgen Klinsmann he is actually 20-year-old German player
Efforts: Futile
Future Plans: Watch World Cup knockout rounds from comfort of home in Seattle
Luis Suarez
Strengths: Knows racial slurs in nine languages; Sharp molars in lower jaw; Obliviousness to social norms and basic human decency allows him to really focus on playing soccer
Weakness: Has trouble adapting game to civilized society
Nicknames: Asshole, Prick, Piece Of Shit, Cheating Fuck, Racist Fuck, Cheating Racist Fuck
Claim To Fame: Will really go the extra mile to be a dick
Pet Peeve: Other people
Biggest Secret: Feels absolutely nothing while listening to Uruguay’s national anthem before kickoff
Role Models: Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez
Punishment For Racially Abusing, Biting Other Players: Millions of dollars in sponsorships, starting spot on Liverpool FC and Uruguayan national team
Any Remorse For Way He Conducts Himself As A High-Profile Professional Athlete: Nope
Fun Fact: Fuck him
Robin Van Persie
Strength: Always swaps shirt, shorts, socks with opponent after match in show of sportsmanship
Weaknesses: Joints; bones; tendons
Team: Played for Holland in 2010 World Cup, but now plays for the Netherlands
Style Of Play: Limping
Biggest Fear: Ball coming alive and eating his foot
Special Talent: Could probably kill you if he kicked ball at your head as hard as he could
Signature Move: Thumbs up while being carted off field on stretcher
Favorite Sports Network: Onion Sports Network
Tim Howard
Strengths: Past World Cup experience has prepared him for what’s about to happen; Large hands allow him to more easily grab ball out of back of net
Weaknesses: Only capable of being one of 11 U.S. players on field; Afraid to leave 18-yard box even after match is over
Yells At Defenders After They Allow A Shot On Goal: A lot
Age: Old
Club Team: English team, but not Manchester United or Arsenal
Signature Move: Grabbing ball out of air, pulling it into chest, holding it there for a bit, punting it
