By now we’re sure most of you are absolutely hooked on HBO’s Game of Thrones. What started out as a risky adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s niche fantasy novel series has become a worldwide phenomenon and one of the most impressive feats of creativity in television history. But the show is about more than shocking plot twists, violence, and an abundance of nudity. At its very core, Game of Thrones is a show about a group of people looking to declare themselves the ruler of Westeros and the lengths they will go to do so.
Of course how they try to reach this goal almost always deals with deception and murder, but there are life lessons to be pulled from every character’s journey. So as we shake ourselves back to reality after the horrors of last week’s penultimate episode, and plan for tonight’s season finale, we’re taking a look back at all of the lessons we have learned from the show over the past three seasons with our guide on How to Succeed in Life, According to Game of Thrones.
Stay close to your family. Just not Lannister close.
One of the show’s enduring lessons is that a strong family unit is one of the keys to success in this world. With the help of your brothers, sisters, and parents, you can bludgeon and behead the weaker families in your way so you can reach your goals as a unit. Over the course of the series, we’ve seen houses like the Starks and Lannisters meticulously plan their way towards the Iron Throne of Westeros together, even if that means leaving entire populations beaten down and suppressed in the process.
Are deceit and murder vital to a happy family? Game of Thrones has suggested that they most certainly are. The show also taught us that if you want to keep royal blood within your family, it might be helpful to have a sibling with benefits in order to make sure your seed gets planted in the right dirt. Just be warned that conceiving a child the Lannister way may result in your kid having an affinity for crossbows and dead prostitutes.
But don’t be afraid to knock off family members in your way.
Though the Lannisters try to work as a unit to grab power and the Starks try to seize the throne through loyalty and love for one another, the show has taught us that sometimes it’s necessary to introduce your own blood to the business end of a sharpened blade or a molten pot of liquid gold in order to stop them from stepping on your toes. Word to House Targaryen.
However, if you do decide to whack one of your own, just make sure that the deed gets done properly. The last thing you need is a spurned sibling or lover lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to lower your guard.
For that matter, don’t trust the elderly either.
They seem frail and slow on the surface, but make no mistake about it, the elderly citizens of this world won’t give up their power without a fight; just look at how the people of Westeros tremble at the mere sight of Tywin Lannister. He is perhaps the most purely evil character on TV since the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond, and his maliciousness continues to shock us every week. He keeps all of Westeros in constant fear, and even his adult children are afraid to utter a word against him. He’s not the king, but this geriatric warrior is the one really pulling the strings.
Olenna Redwyne (the matriarch of House Tyrell), on the other hand, is so crass and sassy that she makes Phyllis Diller look like the sweet old lady who owned Tweety Bird in comparison. Her sharp mind is rivaled only by her wicked tongue, and she reminds us that if you want power in this world, you’ll have to step over the Social Security generation to get it.
Then, of course, we’re left with perhaps the shining example of why the elderly are not to be trifled with: Lord Walder Frey. Listen, we all saw what happened during The Red Wedding. Would a confused old man be able to orchestrate that massacre? No, this dude means business; he just hides it under a feeble veneer.
Looks are deceiving, and if you want to succeed in this world, you need to keep an eye on anyone sporting wrinkles. Even now they could be eating their early bird dinner special at the local seafood buffet, consolidating their power.
Pick up a hobby.
Life can’t be all work and scheming; sometimes a person needs to indulge in their favorite activities in order to leave the stresses of power-grabbing behind for a bit. We suggest you follow the example set by the men of Westeros and begin hunting in your downtime. Sure it could lead to the occasional kingdom-altering death or two, but the show has taught us that there is nothing more soothing than placing an arrow between the eyes of some wild game. That is, if you’re into that.
Don’t let your physical limitations stop you from reaching your goals.
Boiled down to its purest essence, Game of Thrones is a show that sends a terrible message about how lies and murder can get you the power you desire, with a copious amount of nudity thrown in for flavor. But one of the few positive aspects of the series is that it shows that no matter what your physical limitations are, you can succeed in life as long as you are just as ruthless as your able-bodied competition. Over the past three seasons, we have seen both eunuchs and the vertically challenged scheme their way towards success, while spitting in the face of their disabilities.
For inspiration for your own life, look no further than Tyrion Lannister. He can fit snugly inside Robert Baratheon’s chamber pot, yet he single-handedly defended King’s Landing against an attack from Stannis’ army and spent a good portion of seasons two and three with a beautiful prostitute named Shae, whose constant nudity has us convinced that she has a grudge against clothing. Though some think of him as a punch line, Tyrion just continues to claw his way towards the top, despite his size. Aside from the womanizing and alcoholism, this is one of the few characters in the show that we endorse idolizing.
Drink and be to be merry.
If you find yourself down on your luck and doubting your abilities to ever achieve the success that you crave, there is only one solution: drink and drink heavily. Whether you reach for a horn, mug, or jug of your favorite alcoholic beverage, the denizens of Westeros have suggested that nothing washes down the sour taste of defeat better than the finest ales and wines.
Conversely, booze isn’t just for the depressed and defeated; you can also enjoy a drink—or two or three—as you celebrate the conquering of a kingdom or the vanquishing of an enemy. This is one of those pastimes that can be savored no matter how your day has gone, and Game of Thrones suggests that we delight in our booze always and often. As Tyrion said, with slurred eloquence: “Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.”
Visit brothels on the regular.
In no location on the show has more shady dealings gone down than inside the seedy walls of Petyr Baelish’s brothel. It is here that the future of the kingdom is being planned by the most powerful men in the land, after they spend some quality time with the less reputable women of King’s Landing, of course.
Some people may have romantic ideas that success starts in the boardroom or classroom, but more often than not it happens at joints of ill-repute like this one. So listen to the advice of George R.R. Martin and start hanging around the local brothels and strip clubs in order to make powerful contacts. Just be sure to bring a wallet full of singles and don’t shine a blacklight onto any of the linens. Trust us on this one.
Hold off on marriage unless you want to be miserable or dead.
Many people assume that their wedding will be the happiest day of their life, but in the land of Westeros, the walk down the aisle resembles a slow march to the guillotine. Take a look at the marriage between the slim and moody Cersei Lannister and the rotund oaf, Robert Baratheon. This was a relationship based solely on deception and physical disgust in a way that we haven’t seen on TV since King of Queens went off the air. If this wasn’t a drama, the opposites-attract dynamic would have been hilarious. Instead, this is a relationship that evolved into flat-out hatred, just like a real marriage.
That’s not where the marital misery ends, though. We have also seen Sansa Stark be courted by the abusive King Joffrey, who seemed to get off on showing off her father’s decapitated head. The poor thing was then forced into marriage to the impish Tyrion Lannister during this season, which has had disastrous results so far. Now that we think back on it, the only happy marriage we have seen on the show was between Ned and Catelyn Stark, until, of course, he lost his head at the end of season one.
We hear George R. R. Martin pretty clearly on this one: stay away from marriage unless you either want to be miserable or dead. You won’t find that in a Hallmark card.
[Complex]