Being a parent is not a days job, it is more like a lifetime job. I don’t understand how people can decide to have children without having plans or being ready to get rid of the life they live before. Things are going to change, that is for sure–it is going to change drastically! That is what getting married and having a kid or 2 can do, so take your time to make these decisions. Okay once you have a kid you need to clear your mind of these things:
You can’t be selfish anymore
And usually for parents, the easiest thing to avoid is spending quality time with our children. They are entertained by electronics while they research (especially the young ones)’“important” things online. They watch hours of TV while we exercise and obsessively clean the house. They play alone so we can make a few more phone calls. They don’t see us all day, so we can get those extra hours in at the office. They get forgotten and replaced by so many other priorities—because we are selfish.
Parents forget that kids are comfortable around the people they are always with the most. By doing this, you are giving the nanny your special time–you miss out on important aspects of their lives, you miss out on even being their friend.
Cut the fear out
Fear is paralyzing. We hide behind it and from it. Sometimes parents avoid parenting for fear they might screw up; other times they “over parent” their children to compensate for the fear that they will (Nigerian parents are guilty of over parenting).
Fear is constantly triggered by trauma. So as we battle our own insecurities, mixed with traumas from the past it begins to get harder and harder to break out of the fog of fear. So we are scared of what was, and what could be . . . and we forget to see and enjoy what really is.
Trauma is a tool used to make us believe that life will never be “normal”. It is a lie that aches inside of us trying to get us to believe we will always be broken from it. Parent’s—these are lies you have to smoke out.
We have all been through hard things, and worry our children will suffer through traumas of their owns. And guess what? They will. But we have to have faith that they are strong. We have to start to believe that we are doing something right that will help them have the tools they need to battle all their wars. And even more, we have to realize that the more we spend time avoiding the hard stuff out of fear—the more we are missing what really matters.
You have already built a perfect life in your head
I have ideas. They seem so simple and realistic, but if I were to make a list, you might understand how incredibly insane the expectations in my head are:
Want to see what is in my head? I will show you…
I want my kids to: behave, respect, obey, be kind, get good grades, be praised by their teachers, get along with everyone, fit in, excel, be honest, be virtuous, perform, be organized, be clean, be observant, be empathetic, be helpful, be understanding, share, express feelings, be happy all day, take long naps, sleep in, go to bed early, be calm, have healthy perfect bodies, honor, pretend, be accountable, be creative, have fun, take life seriously, be spontaneous, plan ahead, be daring, be safe, carefree, know how to play at least five instruments, be the youngest professors in the world and above all, know 5 international languages. Whew!
I am a walking contradiction. I want perfection, but I want them to just be kids. I want them to have fun, but I want them to take me seriously. I have these grand expectations that my children will become perfect . . . and once they do—that is when parenting will become easy.
Expectations are what fail us—not people.
What if I just expected my family to be human? Would it be easier to love them if I just made a plan in my head that they might mess up? Would I better be able to step up to the challenge when I received a negative message from a teacher if I lowered my expectations of their perfection? If I saw their imperfections as reminders of their need for love, instead of flaws . . . would I better be able to be God’s hand in their life?
So lets ask ourselves: Is our fear, selfishness, or our expectations of what should be, stopping us from being who we really could be? By doing this, you are putting your spouse and children at the bottom of your priority lists? Is that really where they should be?
I can tell you this much . . . if you want to get more out of people, give more. Simple.