Reuben, you looked very nice in that PDP “aso ebi” you wore in Ilorin the other day; how are things going in your party these days?
Come on, stop being mischievous, Biodun. It is not my party. I just wore the uniform that one time to fit in with the President.
Is that so? I thought I saw you at another function in Abuja wearing the uniform…
(Cuts in) Okay, maybe just twice. But I swear I have never worn the “and co.” more than twice.
Well, let’s forget about the uniform. How is the party doing these days?
It is doing fine. You know, after that lazy Bamanga guy left, we now have renewed vigor and vitality across the party rank and file through Adamu. The party is going to bounce back. All those noise makers in the APC will eat their words, especially Lai Mohammed.
Yes, speaking of noise makers, that Lai Mohammed has constituted himself into a thorn in you people’s flesh…But it seems you really give the man what Hausa people call “Kaci” (“shit”) every time he criticizes PDP.
I have to. He thinks he knows English. I will show him and everybody else that I am the master. Every time he abuses Mr. President, I will send him to his dictionary.
And it also seems you have not let Baba Obasanjo off the hook either.
That old fool? Who does he think he is? Does he think he owns Nigeria? Does he think he has the monopoly of wisdom? He will get it from me each time he crosses the line. That stupid letter he wrote to the President did it. If not that Mr. President asked me to take it easy on him, I was going to finish him patapata.
But you did described him as…let me see my note here…”self-serving, hypocritical, malicious, indecent and disrespectful.” What more could you have said that is worse?
Biodun, are you kidding me? Of course, I could have said more. And there is no statute of limitation on when to reply him. So, anytime from now, I can still hit him back with full force. But, you know something? Iyabo has already done it for us.
But aren’t you from Abeokuta like him? And isn’t he in PDP like you?
Henhen? So what? He should have left quietly like all American presidents do. How many times have you heard Gowon, Shagari, Babangida, Shonekan or Abubakar abuse the President like Obasanjo does?
I know. But what I am trying to say is that after this government leaves you or you leave this government, wouldn’t you have to return to Abeokuta one day?
Abeg joo go siddon. E no fit do me nothing. If I choose to return to Egba (Abeokuta), there is nothing he can do to me. And if anybody tries to make life too difficult for me, I will remain here in Abuja or relocate to Otueke with Mr. President.
Hahaha. Hehehe. I know you are joking. One day-one day, you will have to sever that umbilical cord with the Jonathans. Look how long Odia Ofeimun served Papa Awolowo as private secretary; eventually, death did them apart. Anyway, let’s forget about that for now. I wanted to ask you about Baba Bisi Akande too. You have tongue-lashed him more than once.
I don’t know why you keep calling all these people “Baba.” Bisi Akande was abusing the President. He didn’t respect his age. It is my job to defend Mr. President. How could Bisi Akande describe what President Jonathan is doing here as “Kindergarten Presidency”? Mr. President’s combined experience in public service dwarfs that of Bisi Akande . Remember Mr. President was deputy-governor, governor, vice president and president. What experience does Bisi Akande have beyond being a governor?
So, you called him…er..let me check my note here…”rude, ill-mannered, uncharitable and hypocritical”? The man is old enough to be your father!
So what? That is pure sentiment, my friend. Politics is no respecter of age. It is also a contact sport. If he didn’t want political mud thrown on him he shouldn’t have gone near the political river.
I am just concerned that as a Yoruba man, you employ some of the most uncouth adjectives to describe people old enough to be your grand-father. I just think you could defend the President well without shooting down from the presidential pedestal.
Well, that’s your opinion. You are saying all that because you live in the U.S. where everybody is civil. Politics is dirty here and you have to get dirty with them. When people don’t have the decorum to not shoot up at the President, I have no option than to shoot down at them. I will repeat here what I said the other day: “President Jonathan is a clever, methodical and intelligent man, who is very adept at wrong footing all the persons who make an effort to second-guess or underestimate him.” He understands the complexity of Nigeria and will get his way all the time no matter what his detractors think. If you know Fani-Kayode and Nasir El Rufai, you better warn them well-well. They think they are the only ones who can twit, right? I will no longer have mercy on them.
I am also concerned that you attack your professional colleagues…I mean…journalists and columnists who have written critical stuff about the presidency.
Why are you concerned? I have read some of the garbage you yourself have written. I just didn’t respond because you are small potato. But when people like Sonala Olumhense and Okey Ndibe sit overseas and write trash about the President, I have to respond big time. You see, whether it is Sonala or Mike Egbejumi or Pius Adesanmi or Dele Momodu or Rudolf Okonkwo…any of those people, if they write nonsense, I will show them I have superior writing skill. And I am also a lawyer. I will make them spend their meager life savings in court while I prosecute them myself. Idiots! Listen, if you know that Sowole Omoyele, you better warn him too well-well. That small boy thinks he can continue to make trouble for us with his Saharareporters. I am warning him now o. He is lucky his server is being hosted abroad. Otherwise, he would have been history.
Calm down, my friend. Why are you always so worked up when Sonala and Okey’s names are mentioned? These are brother journalists. I should even say, to you, they are senior professional colleagues. Both of them were already journalists of note at the same Guardian where you and I cut our professional teeth…before we both graduated from the university. I think you should accord them some respect.
Please take that nonsense off the table! (Pounding the table in anger.) They are hungry. And a hungry man is an angry man. They would do anything to have my job. You don’t think that Sonala in particular would do anything to become Special Adviser to a Minister or Governor? Please, those guys are no longer relevant in Nigeria. They can keep churning out criticism upon criticism; we shall see if that would put food on their table. Instead of them to ask me how I maneuvered myself into the inner sanctum of power, they are writing grammar. All these journalists you are talking about…we give them money; we give them all kinds of packages…you know…parcels of land (like I got one time ago), free tickets to international shows, rams, cows and horses…We sponsor burial ceremonies, wedding ceremonies, naming ceremonies…all sorts of things we do for them. Yet, they don’t show appreciation. They still write rubbish about us. Journalists are the most ungrateful set of people.
I am still laughing at how you described your cybernet critics…me included…who take advantage of the internet to criticize the government. Let me check my….
You don’t have to check your note. I still remember what I said about them. They are “…cynics, the pestle-wielding critics, the unrelenting, self-appointed activists, the idle and idling, twittering, collective children of anger, the distracted crowd of Facebook addicts, the BBM-pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria.” That’s how I described them…all jobless people.
Hahaha. Hehehe. Very funny, my friend. Very funny indeed. It reads like a poem…so rhythmic…like Wole Soyinka’s “Telephone Conversation.” But seriously, these were the same people who idolized you when you wrote from Rutam House; who befriended you on Facebook and liked your statuses; who sent letters to The Guardian editor praising you for the great articles you used to write when you championed their causes. Now you don’t care about what they say?
I really don’t care what they say anymore. That was then and this is now. Things have changed. When you are on the other side, it is easy to pontificate, moralize and criticize. Once you get inside, you see things differently. I am seeing things differently now.
Speaking of Professor Wole Soyinka, I notice that you have not gone after him and Professor Niyi Osundare. Are you afraid of them?
I am not afraid of anybody. You see, people are free to call me rude, but they can’t call me crazy. Only a crazy person will abuse Wole Soyinka and Niyi Osundare. I am not crazy. They are free to say whatever they want. Even the President has told me to just leave them alone. My only point is this: all the stuff that Soyinka has been saying all these years…even before I was born…all the stuff that Tai Solarin said…Osundare, Enahoro, Dele Giwa, Dan Agbese, Edwin Madunagu, Ray Ekpu, Yakubu Muhammed, Bola Ige, Lateef Jakande, Olatunji Dare…all these people…all the stuff they said…all the stuff that I said before getting up here…what difference have they made?
You are right, nothing. No difference at all. I just have one last question or observation: As the Special Adviser to the President on Media and Publicity, I find it curious that you are acting like the spokesperson for the PDP…like the opposite number of APC’s Lai Mohammed. I thought your job was creating a good image for the President, not making enemies for him. I thought, as someone who had rubbed shoulders with journalists (even if you were never a trained journalist), you could use everything in your power to get “good press” for the President on a regular basis. Rather than going out and fighting all the perceived and real enemies of Jonathan, you could “advise” the president on many utterances and stage appearances that would garner feel-good press coverage for him on a regular basis. For instance, Nigerians needed to know that Jonathan cried when he heard about Boko Haram’s latest killings; that he tongue-lashed a Minister who misappropriated funds; that he wakes up early and sleeps late working in his office; that he lost a lot of sleep when ASUU was on strike; that he never allows the Energy Minister to rest because of the electricity problem in the country. These are the types of things that you should “advise” the president to do more publicly. You should be the one drafting his empathetic speeches, making sure that he feels the pain that Nigerians are feeling. But no, you dissipate your energy on trying to out-write and out-abuse people who criticize him. Have you forgotten that even if Jesus were to come down Himself to govern Nigeria, we would still criticize Him? Have you forgotten how much you criticized Obasanjo and Yar’Adua when you were on the outside? One more thing: as a Special Adviser whose salary and other benefits are paid by all Nigerians, don’t you find it morally wrong to spend government time and material abusing these same Nigerians? I will suggest you take up the job of PDP national secretary or PRO if you really can’t curb your acerbic language. In that job, you will be able to give fire-for-fire whenever the opposition criticizes the government and your party. In that job, you are free to bark and bite like a rabid dog. But as a Special Adviser, I think you have muddled the water a lot.
Thank you, Biodun. I will think about it. I am not sure how much they pay the PDP national secretary or PRO. If the pay is good, I may consider one or the other. At any rate, whoever currently occupies those positions has not been doing his job because I can’t even tell you his name. But everybody knows Lai Muhammed.
…Then I woke up and realized I had been dreaming.
By Abiodun Ladepo,
Los Angeles, California,