Who doesn’t love receiving just a little bit more than giving? But get this: Being generous in the bedroom can amp up your own desire, according to a new study in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Researchers studied “sexual communal strength”—or a willingness to meet your partner’s sexual needs—in 44 long-term couples. The couples completed individual surveys every day for 21 days, starting with a longer background survey that gauged how willing they were to meet their partner’s sexual needs, their relationship satisfaction, and their desire level. The result: People who were more willing to meet their partner’s needs in bed reported higher levels of daily arousal.
And being a giver doesn’t just have temporary lust-boosting effects—it was also associated with higher levels of desire four months later! While many couples saw a dip in their libido at the four-month follow-up, those who were more focused on their partner’s pleasure were able to maintain the spark, says lead study author Amy Muise, PhD, post-doctoral fellow at the University of Toronto.
So how does sexual generosity amp up your own arousal? “Knowing that you can satisfy your partner and turn your partner on—that’s a huge boost to your self-esteem” says Ian Kerner, PhD, founder of Good In Bed and author of She Comes First. And that sexy confidence, paired with an equally turned-on partner, tends to result in mind-blowing sex. “If you’re putting yourself in a situation where you’re attentive to your partner’s
needs, it creates a virtuous cycle of sex and sexual desire,” says Kerner.
But before you bend over backwards—literally or figuratively—for your guy, there’s one big caveat: Focusing on your partner’s desires at the expense of your own does not have the same effect, says Muise. Instead, the idea is to foster a mutual focus on each other’s pleasure and to both make an effort to fulfill the other person’s needs between the sheets.
Feeling inspired? Here are three ways to make your sex life a little more gratuitous:
Find out what turns him on “I always encourage couples to talk about their fantasies,” says Kerner. Just make it clear that this is purely a sexy conversation—not an immediate request or an area to judge. If you’re blanking on sexy fantasies to share, think back to your favorite x-rated movie scenes, your celebrity crushes, or what your porn preferences are. Even if something is totally out of your element, just acknowledging your partner’s turn-ons and talking about them can boost your intimacy and open up the floor to hotter sex.
Really make an effort Sex—like every other part of your relationship—should come with a healthy dose of give and take. Whether your guy prefers a particular position or has been dying to try something new, it’s not a bad idea to take one for the team every once in a while (as long as you’re comfortable with it). “What this study shows is that giving pleasure is just as important as receiving pleasure,” says Kerner. So the next time you’re getting busy, take a minute to think about what your partner is craving at that moment and how to give it to him. “Knowing that you’re creating that pleasure, that you’re giving that to your partner, that’s incredibly sexy and it’s a huge turn on,” says Kerner.
Make sure they return the favor So what about when it’s your turn to receive? When you’re craving something specific in bed—whether it’s more foreplay or trying a position that makes it easier for you to orgasm—there’s a way to ask for it without making your partner feel like a failure. Whatever you do, don’t start with something like “Why don’t we ever…” Framing it this way comes off as negative and will automatically put him on the defensive, says Kerner. “Rather than having a conversation that points to what you’re not doing, talk about the sex you want to be having,” says Kerner. Bring it up in a non-confrontational way, like telling him about a crazy-hot dream you had about him the other night, It’s a simple and sexy way to bring up something you want to try—and we’re willing to bet he’ll be game.