Let’s be real: the zombie apocalypse is probably not coming anytime soon… but on the off chance the world goes full The Walking Dead, wouldn’t you rather be overprepared than undead? If you’ve ever watched a horror movie and screamed “WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE BASEMENT?!” — congratulations, you already have more survival instincts than half of humanity.
So, here it is. Your no-nonsense, moderately useful guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse. You’re welcome.
1. Accept That It’s Happening
First things first—panic responsibly. Yes, the dead are rising, people are biting each other, and your neighbor just tried to eat your cat. But take a deep breath. Freaking out never helped anyone survive anything (except maybe reality TV). Get your head straight, because panic leads to mistakes, and mistakes lead to snacks. For zombies.
And you don’t want to be a snack.
2. Find Your Crew (Choose Wisely)
You’ll need people—but not too many people. Think of it like assembling a dysfunctional superhero team. You want someone who can run fast, someone who can fight, someone who can cook actual food, and maybe someone who remembers how to make fire without a microwave.
Avoid the guy who keeps yelling “It’s every man for himself!” He dies first.
3. Secure a Base (And No, Not a Glass Penthouse)
Look, we all love a good view, but those floor-to-ceiling windows? Not ideal when you’re trying to keep brain-eaters out. You need something sturdy, defensible, and ideally stocked with canned goods and dry shampoo. An abandoned hardware store? Great. A remote cabin? Even better.
Your high-rise apartment with a Keurig and no weaponry? Yeah… good luck with that.
4. Weapons Are a Must (But Be Realistic)
Not everyone is going to master the katana overnight, and swinging a baseball bat gets tiring fast. You want something you can actually use—like a crowbar, machete, or even a shovel. Guns are cool until you run out of ammo and suddenly your weapon is just a loud, heavy stick.
Pro tip: If your weapon needs batteries, it’s not your friend.
5. Food. Water. WiFi? Forget It.
The three essentials: food, water, and sarcasm. You’ll need a solid stash of non-perishables, bottled water, and maybe some multivitamins because scurvy isn’t cute. Forget takeout and Chowdeck—those riders have either fled or joined the undead.
And WiFi? It’s gone, my friend. Hope you printed that recipe.
6. Stay Quiet, Stay Smart, Stay Unbitten
Zombies have one job: find you and eat your face. Don’t make it easy. Stay quiet. No fireworks. No “Look over here!” TikToks. You’re not trying to go viral—you’re trying to stay alive. Move at night, keep a low profile, and never ever check on a weird noise in the dark. Just don’t.
7. Trust No One (Okay, Maybe Your Dog)
In the zombie apocalypse, betrayal is just another Tuesday. That sweet old lady with the mysterious bite? She’s about to ruin everything. People do weird stuff when survival kicks in, so keep your guard up. Except for your dog. You can trust your dog.
Always trust the dog.
It’s You vs. Zombies (and Your Terrible Choices)
Look, surviving a zombie apocalypse isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being less dumb than the next guy. Think ahead, trust your gut, and maybe don’t stand around narrating your plan while the zombies close in. This isn’t a movie. There’s no dramatic soundtrack. Just you, your instincts, and a whole lot of walking corpses.
So grab your bat, hug your dog, and get moving. You’ve got this. Probably.
Premier League