You have been slaving away at your company the top TV station in Nigeria for years holding up props and cleaning toilets. But then you get a big break, the chance to interview a top Nigeria politician. You are ecstatic, what are the chances of you nailing such a job, maybe it has to do with the accidental disappearance of the main anchor and coincidentally all her backups as well. Who knows?

All you know is that you are excited, but just before you can share the news with everybody, you receive a phone call. It a mysterious voice that introduces himself as the Chairman of PJA (The Privileged Journalists Association), he informs you that you have to read and accept a document titled 10 Rules Every Journalist Must Know Before Interviewing A Nigerian Politician.

You stare blankly, you never knew anything like that existed … well you are in luck because for the first time ever … the document is available for the public to see. Just print it, read it, sign it and adhere to it. You can thank me later with brown envelope hugs.

10 Rules Every Journalist Must Know Before Interviewing A Nigerian Politician

1. Always start off the interview with a list of amazing things the politician has done. If you can’t find any amazing things to talk about, make some amazing shit up!
2. Do not look the politician straight in the eyes, that is a sign of disrespect. If you have to look at their eyes for whatever crazy reason, utilize items like well positioned glass bottles or mirrors to see the reflection of their eyes.
3. This rule is very critical, nod your head! Nod your head if you agree. Nod your head if you disagree. Nod your head when confused. And even if you want to shit … nod your head. When in doubt nod your head. It makes you look smart because you are agreeing with the politician.
4. Start every question, every sentence, every phrase with your excellency, honorable, most highest of the highestest [sic]. And whatever you do, don’t call them by their first name or last name! You have been warned.
5. Do not ask surprise questions! What! Are you crazy? You think you are in America? The politician will give you the questions to ask … your job is to read and do #3. Finish.
6. Never ask questions with figures. That shit is confusing. For example you ask “how can you fix unemployment?” not “75 million youths are unemployed and your administration has pledged to provide 1.6 million jobs, that is only 2% of the required total capacity, what are your plans for the remaining 98%?” What! Is this JAMB? Biko don’t use figures.
7. Follow Up Question? Are you Jon Stewart? Isha Sesay? Bill O’Reilly? Check yourself biko. Never ever ask a follow up question, if the politician does not completely answer your question it is because he does not want to. If you ask follow up question … SSS will follow you home and ….
8. O I nearly forgot, before the interview, stand up with your hands raised high and recite the journalistic anthem below:
9. If a politician is struggling with a question that he gave you in advance, its because it’s too hard … show him the answer or change the topic quickly by nodding your head to cause distraction while smoothly inserting a new but easier question.
10. At the end of the interview, bow your head down and then quickly thank the politician for the privilege they have given to you. Because not every journalist will gets the opportunity to talk to an actual Nigerian politician face to face.

If you do all these things right, you might end up being asked to come to Aso Rock to interview the President of Nigeria. And that is when you know you have made it!