It is no longer a matter of debate that the economic situation in our country today has made travelling out attractive. Daily, we hear and read in the media hundreds of African migrants who have either been arrested in European countries or reported to have drowned while attempting to reach the ‘promised land’.
Because of their proximity to North Africa, Italy and Spain have become the most attractive and accessible European country. Therefore, most of our youths have the burning desire to leave this country in search of the Golden Fleece.
Because of this apparent hardship in the country, ladies have become easy preys to returnee suitors. Several men and women from Nigeria are in the United States in particular and in Europe in general. All doing, “Ndogandoga” according to the musician, Flavour, in one of his releases. There is no part of the world where Nigerians are not treated with incredulous disdain.
Year in year out, young men come to look for suitable ladies to marry. In many instances, most of these men are “young old men” who are in all probabilities in their very late 40s and mid-50s. Most of them, particularly those in America, have, without doubt, once married and with children. Most of these marriages they were involved in were known as “arrangee marriages” – arranged to obtain resident Visa popularly called “Green Card”.
In fact, most of these arrangee marriages sometimes end in disaster or with dire consequences because some of our men often try to play a fast one on American ladies, who of course have had several raw deals in the hands of some of our men.
One of the principal mistakes our men make is that, often, they find it difficult to tell the girls that they already have wives, even with children at home. But in fact, in a very neat arrangement, the couple do not live together to avoid unpleasant consequences because “how can a tuber of yam be left in the custody of a goat?” If the arrangement is properly made with full disclosure, there will be no problem. But more often than not, a man would move in, live with the lady and ‘true’ love and pregnancy would emerge. In this case, the American lady would seriously believe that she is married despite the original arrange status of the marriage. On the other hand, the man involved would have had another wife in Nigeria, perhaps with one or two children. He would be playing games on the side of the Nigerian wife.
Another situation is that his parents would be disturbing him to come home and get married to a person of his tribe, to be sure that his father’s lineage would not be extinct. He would probably tell the American lady that all is well. “Our marriage is intact.” With her permission, he would dash home to get married to a lady already waiting and hoping for a returnee suitor. Once the man comes home, everything will be done fast. Everything about marriage processes and bride price haggling and negotiations would be completed even in two visits including the now very popular traditional wedding. The man, fully armed with enough dollars which when changed would result in heavy naira to spend, would be extravagant enough to impress the in-laws.
But when the lady can’t join him or follow him immediately, he would remain the husband but slippery and cunning. The poor girl would be hoping that soon she would be in the United States to join her husband. Unknown to her, what she has is either second or third tokunbo husband.
First, he would tell her and the parents that he would be going back to U.S. or Europe to prepare her documents. But before he leaves, one thing is certain: the girl would be pregnant. Even if the girl protests, he would say: “Why worry? In the next few months, before your pregnancy becomes visible, you will be in America.” With such an assurance, a girl who has been hoping and waiting for a suitor cannot be blamed. She will say to herself: “At least, I now have a husband in America/Europe.”
Once the man is gone, it will become ‘marriage on telephone’. The lady waits in frustration and anguish; her only consolation would be that at least she has a husband. Following the long waiting, the man would continue to give her dollar support with which she could be comfortable. But such comfort without her husband around her would be incomplete.
Meanwhile, the man is back to his original “honey” in the U.S. with whom he is living as a full-fledged wife. Although the link between them is the almighty Green Card.
In the late 1990s, it was easier to get disentangled with American marriage. But during the George Bush regime, the Immigration Law was tightened to make it impossible for any foreigner who got Immigrant Visa by way of marriage with American lady; if there is divorce, that man can never bring in another lady or to file for Immigrant Visa for such a lady. The Americans became wiser because of too many unexplained reasons for numerous divorces among Nigerian men and their seeming wives. In fact, then it was easier to divorce an American lady and take another lady from Nigeria as a wife. Not any more. American Immigration laws have regularly responded to the hanky-panky of foreign husbands. Of course, divorce in America is as easy as buying a sachet of pure water on the street.
Before Bush, what one needed was just to divorce before one could re-marry. I remember a case in which an Igbo couple needed to wed in a Church in the State of Texas. The marriage law in Texas requires that a divorcee, before contracting new marriage, must show evidence of previous divorce in the State of Texas. But the law in the State of Nevada does not require such. When they could not wed in Texas, they got a flight to Las Vegas, went to a Marriage Registry, but registrar had just left. They rushed out and saw him at car park as he was about to enter his car. They pleaded with him. That was an easy request. He came out, brought out his little box, and invited a passer-by to witness the wedding. Few minutes later, he pronounced them wedded as husband and wife. He collected $20 as his official fee and issued them with a marriage certificate. They were on their way back to Dallas, Texas, for the proper Church wedding next day. But now, the law has changed and changed for the worst.
Those Nigerian ladies who get married to foreign-based husbands must be sure of what they are getting. The best they could get in all probability is a comfortable flat here in Nigeria, well furnished, regular call from their absentee ‘honey’ on phone. At the other end, the tokunbo husband is living with another wife, because under the new law, he cannot bring her Nigerian wife. They must be prepared to remain in Nigeria, bearing children and raising them without their father. Sometimes, trouble as to who owns a particular pregnancy may arise. And this may be a simple reason to file a divorce. But in Nigeria, he will meet a brick-wall because divorce in Nigeria is as difficult as squeezing water from stone.
Thus, our girls must stop building castles in the air for overseas husbands. They are simply practicing “Cash and Dump”.
Sometimes, these ladies already waiting for a passage to the U.S. may never have their way, yet their so-called husbands would be playing pranks just to give them hopeless hope. Today, some of them have become very comfortable here, carrying out businesses of their tokunbo husbands – selling vehicles for them or even managing big fashion and variety stores. To many girls, that arrangement is better than nothing because as one might often say, “at least I have married and am now having children and living comfortably”. Is that what they need in marriage? After all, children raised by one parent are sure to become architects of examination malpractice, leaders of campus cults, members of armed gangs and other anti-social miscreants.
In short, our ladies can do well by settling with good husbands here, because a bird at hand is worth two in the bush. Can they listen?