To be a Nigerian, first you must be religious.
And you must advertise your piety. Sleep in the church, pray against your enemies. Proclaim your religiosity from the rooftops. Mention God’s name in every conversation. In a land where there is so much madness, religion offers you the only opportunity to cling on to a measure of holiness. It is the only way to remind yourself that you are human after all, and that there is something that you still believe in. Commit all kind of sins from Monday to Saturday including fraud of all kind, bring part of it to the church on Sunday and give testimony how God has blessed you.
Police “Sir is your car covered with insurance?”
Driver “My car is covered with the blood of Jesus”
2. Constantly complain that Nigeria is the worst country on Earth.
But when October 1st comes, take complete pride in your origins and celebrate like crazy.Wear green and white to show your patriotism, attend independence party, then 2nd of October go back to your nagging.
3. Learn to love gala and Lacasera drink
As these may be the only menu when you get stuck in a traffic.
4. Learn to be joyous.
Every weekend, attend a party, wear the Aso ebi your friend Shove down your throat, and tell yourself that the biggest achievement that any man can be proud of is to remain alive. It doesn’t matter if you are trapped in squalor. If you are lucky to have some means, then you are truly lucky. That is why we are among the happiest people on earth.
5. Keep a mental note of enemies.
To be a Nigerian, you should have enemies and if you don’t have one, you will need to create one for yourself, else who will you blame for your misfortunes or failure. Even the Enemy complains of his enemies.
6. Hang a religious symbol like a cross on your car’s rear-view mirror
Or better, get stickers; religious stickers and stick them on your windshield. It doesn’t matter that you are a completely reckless driver — they will protect and ensure that you reach home safely.
7. Look rich at all the time even when you’re broke
To be a Nigerian, you won’t climb up the social quo if you don’t “pack” yourself properly.You have to either wear it, drive it or live it, else no one will take you serious. You must be loud with your wealth and accomplishments. Even if you are poor, you must carry on with life with a certain swagger. Don’t ever forget that you are a Nigerian; your country is the sixth largest producer of crude oil in the world, the most populous black nation on earth, and the home of the happiest people in the universe.
8. You must wake up each day dreaming of one hundred other ways of making money.
9. After making the money, you should also learn how to flaunt it.
The wealth you’ve acquired need to be rubbed on the faces of those enemies.
10. In George Orwell’s book- Animal farm, all animals are equal but some are more equal, to be a Nigerian you should always have it in mind that, all men are equal by citizenship, but some are to be called Ogas.
11. You must also adore titles to yourself.
It doesn’t matter how ridiculous they might sound; titles like Chief, Hajia, Alhaji, Otunba, Dame, and other professional titles like Doctor , Engineer. They show how important you’re and why people should regard you. These titles show the exercise of lust for respect, authority, and power to satisfy your unworthy egos and vanity, so you must add one to your name.
So you can now call yourself Alhaji Dr. (Chief)……..
12. To be a Nigerian, you must be very cautious all the time, treat all with nothing less than suspicion.
13. You should not be able to speak your native language or if you can you should pretend not to be able to speak your native language, even while your battle with English Language remained evident, else people will think you’re country-side’, ‘village-bred’, or ‘unexposed’.
14. To be a Nigerian, you must be an optimist. A pessimist is not a Nigerian.
This is the only way to survive is to always hope; hope there will be constant power supply, hope for change, hope that your boss at work will promote you as you can’t remember the last time you got promoted, hope that one day boko haram will stop bombing, you have to always anticipate a brighter future else you will die of depression before old age. And this hope needs some rekindling, so for you to be a Nigerian you also need to be an ardent reader of motivational books.
15. To be a Nigerian, you don’t have to be too time conscious, arrive late to any event, the event will most likely have not started when you finally arrive late.
Finally, you’re now a Nigerian, but learn how to scream “Do you know who I am?” when you find yourself in certain situations.
Of course, you’re now a Nigerian but you still need to confirm if people truly know who you are.
Mayo Bayo Blogs at http://www.tlkdrum.com