‘Dad, no, no, I want to become a Nigerian president when I grow up.’
‘Why? What happened to…’
‘No. I have changed my mind. I want to be a historical figure too.’
‘Not bad. Not bad. Let’s be realistic, you’re from a minority tribe and it’s going to be very hard.’
‘I’m going to try, dad. I believe my country has changed. History would record me too.’
‘I don’t understand your talk.’
‘Dad, didn’t you see history, yesterday?’
‘Which history?’
‘The incumbent president conceded to defeat. He is my hero. What a gentleman.’
‘Shut your trap! There were four heroes, yesterday. The important ones, the very important ones, the very very important ones and the very most important ones.”
‘Dad, you know your eyes sees further. Tell me about these heroes.’
‘Let me start with the very most important ones. They are the ones who went out of their way to vote. The ones who believed that they had a voice and believed their voice could make a difference.’
‘People, like you and I?’
‘Did I vote? I was just a fence sitter like those bloody Nigerian diasporans who would gallop from one online fence to the other to blow big grammar and never act. I’m not a hero. People like you who voted are the real heroes.
‘Thank you, dad. So, who are the very very important ones?”
‘Jega.’
‘What did he do? I can’t seem to understand why you would categorise him as one.’
‘You’re a real child. A real Godsday Orubebe! How can you open your dirty mouth to mouth such nonsense?’
‘I’m sorry, dad, but I don’t see what he did.’
‘May the gods that cursed Orubebe’s anus not visit you. Did you see Jega’s calmness in the midst of hyenas? Did you see how he foxed his way out of the cacophony brought to him by different elements? Did you see how he handled those professors of nothingness? He is a true hero. As a matter of fact, without him, the eye of democracy would have been blinded. Sai Jega!’
‘What about GEJ?’
‘What about him?’
‘Is he not a hero?’
‘How?’
‘He showed good sportsmanship. He behaved like a gallant man.’
‘What else should he have done? And, how does that make him a hero?’
‘Dad, just admit it. He tried.’
‘He is not a hero. He did his job. Period. Please, go and sit down and analyse it properly. All those smelly mouth calling him a hero should go and sit down too!’
‘So who is the very important one?’
‘Dame Patience Goodluck.’
‘Dad, you must be joking.’
‘If you have a third eye, you will see why I chose her as my hero. She entertained Nigerians with her theatrics. Everywhere she went there were many boys and girls chanting and repeating her quotable quotes. No first lady in the history of Nigeria would ever, I mean ever, have many memorable quotes like this woman. I love her. She is my hero. Even the president couldn’t leave any quote for us to remember him by.’
‘Dad, I can’t believe you are calling her a hero.’
‘What do you know. Go and think about it and thank me later.’
‘The last one?’
‘Ehmm, I can’t remember…’
‘But, dad, I really want to be a president. Look at how Buhari was praised. Even his rise to the throne is a motivational story.’
‘You think Buhari is the president elect? You make me laugh.’
‘Dad!’
‘Now, here is my advice to you my son. What I really want for you to become is a godfather.’
‘A godfather?’
‘Yes. A political godfather.’
‘Like Tinubu, Obasanjo or IBB?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s a very hard one.’
‘How is it hard?’
‘You must have money and influence and network.’
‘Son, let me tell you does are the presidents that Nigerians keep voting for. They are the real ones that run the country. Leave all those ones running around campaigning and winning votes. Now, when Tinubu sneezes, Buhari would catch a cold. That, my son, is power.’
‘How can I attain this, dad?’
‘There are three ingredients that you must put in your pot: number one, you must know how to be a good liar.’
‘Really.’
‘A very good liar.’
‘You must know how to gather touts around yourself.’
‘What do I need touts for?’
‘You need dogs that would do your dirty work for you. You don’t want people to tie your name to nonsense.’
‘That makes sense.’
‘You must learn to be like a chameleon.’
‘Dad, how can I learn to be like an animal?’
‘Look at you. You must learn to be like an animal in Nigeria for you to understand the minds of certain Nigerians. As a matter of fact, if you don’t learn to be like a chameleon, your life might be in danger.’
‘I must learn that.’
‘That’s what GEJ did not learn. He allowed chickens like Abati, Fayose and others to shout his praise. He didn’t study how the opposition did it.’
‘Dad, I have heard you.’
‘I would probably start preparing. I would start with Lagos state.’
‘Look at this foolish boy, are you from Lagos?’
‘No.’
‘Better know where to place your eggs.’
‘I believe in Nigeria’s democracy and I will start from Lagos, dad.’
‘My son, na only you waka come.’
@moshoke