These days we hear about a lot of failed marriages. Two people who after months of living together suddenly split up and claim that cannot live together anymore. As much as our society is critical of divorce, more and more Nigerians are divorcing daily.
If you spend an hour in a customary court, you will hear so many bewildering testimonies. Ideally love is supposed to be a mythical feeling that never ends but the truth is, the subject of love and marriage is completely subjective.
Each couple will chart their own course and at the end of the day, love is not necessarily what keeps you together, marriage is.
Here are seven things no one tells you about marriage.
Marriage is not unconditional love.
There is hate. Resentment. There is bitterness, isolation, betrayal and pain. You can’t feel love for your husband 24/7, 365 days a year.
Marriage has inertia.
There are times when we cannot access our love. Sometimes, it’s marriage – not love – that keeps us married. This thing manifest in shared cutlery and mattresses, holidays and anniversaries- this thing sometimes keeps us together.
Marriage is not the agent nor the perfection of you.
It doesn’t fill your cracks and makes you complete. It’s not what you’re missing in life. It’s not the fulfillment of your true self. Marriage doesn’t do anything; it – perhaps – allows you to do things.
Marriage is not enough.
Marriage is not a signal of success or achievement to the world. I’ve done this, I’m married, stop worrying, stop doubting. Perhaps for a while, but not for long. Not for ever. The what’s next questions persist. And nothing – not even marriage – is immune.
Marriage can be a bad thing.
Marriage endures beyond lies, beyond broken trust, broken dreams – if you want it to, it can. Marriages – good marriages, ones that work – must exist in dark spaces too, not just the light.
Marriage has no baseline.
With a few exceptions, there is no standard of what is good, normal, acceptable, and what is not. No one can tell you what to do with it, about it, it is entirely your responsibility to manage your marriage. There is no right answer so don’t seek one.
Marriage is bigger than you. Bigger than both of you.
If my answer sounds like marriage is this mythical thing that cuddles in bed with you and your spouse and at times steals sheets – that’s because it is. Well, it’s not mythical, but it’s there, amorphous. It’s the third thing, between you, in your relationship.
Marriage is a responsibility, a commitment, a power, a profound intimacy. Ensuring we are seen, witnessed and bound to another before we expire. More than any other social institution we have as humans.
This question was originally answered on www.quora.com