It was drizzling when my flight landed in Warri on Monday, July 21 and I went straight to the governor’s house to report myself but the real job was the following day. The governor welcomed me to his home, introduced me to his media team and told me his ‘public’ starts at 8.00am every day.
Though Delta State has a fully functional Government House in Warri, complete with a governors lodge but Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan prefers his own home.
‘No place like your own house even if it’s a hut.’ Yes, your Excellency, I nodded in my head, just that this Ogunu road house ain’t no hut. A palace it is. ‘I’ve been in the Government House Warri twice in seven years. I prefer it here. ‘
The weekly Executive Council meeting would be holding in another couple of hours and his commissioners were already in town. I left the governor to his meeting promising to be back in the morning by 7.30.
It’s 7.40am and I’m 10 minutes late.
I overslept. By the time I hopped out of bed, I had only 30 minutes to get ready. Geez! How does a girl do everything in 30 minutes, including putting on her face? I dashed into the shower and generally dashed from one side of the room to the other. My zipper refused to cooperate, bla bla bla. Of course, by the time I got to the governor’s house, I was 10 minutes late. Now, that’s plenty of lateness with Governor Uduaghan. He’s one stickler for time. He must have been a soldier in his other life.
Anyway, there he was in his corner of the long living room, with a stack of files.
‘Good morning, your Excellency.’ I said, my hands behind me, all guilty as charged.
He looked up from the file in front of him.
‘Good morning, Funke.’
He didn’t accuse me of anything. He didn’t have to now, did he?
‘Let’s have breakfast.’
He was wearing a yellow short-sleeve shirt and black loafers. No suit, no kaftan. That was a warning that it was going to be a long day, right?
Breakfast for me was tea and sandwiches. His was Ukodo, a delicacy of yam, plantain and plenty of protein in spicy broth, very inviting. We watched a popular breakfast show as we ate. No long ritual. The governor was soon on his feet. The day started in full swing. Outside, the engine of a Mercedes Benz G-Wagon was running. I was told to get in the front passenger seat. I did, waited for the driver. The governor opened the door and got in the driver’s seat.
‘I’m driving.’ He announced.
Great, I said to myself, I will enjoy this drive, long day or not. After all, it’s not every day I get chauffeured by a governor. I clapped in my head and clipped on my seat belt. Constance and Sunny, the governor’s media lieutenants did the same in the back seat.
We drove slowly through the street, the governor pointing out landmarks to me. I noticed there was no screaming public. I guessed Warri people are used to seeing their governor at the wheels.
Once upon a rice farm
At Atunwase Primary School, one of the ‘reloaded’ classy primary schools in the state, the governor slowed down to give a little history of the area.
‘I used to pass through this place to the market and this place used to be a rice farm where prisoners worked. They sang in unison as they worked, their cutlasses rising and falling with the rhythm of their songs.’
And then he drove into the premises of the impressive government-owned nursery and primary school that has replaced the rice farm of years yore.
The facilities are cool, very unlike anything one is used to in a government school. The classrooms are nicely done, complete with electronic boards. The first set of pupils are expected to resume in September. Who would have known that the little boy who passed through this place some five decades ago would return one day to build a model school and today drive through the gates as a governor?
Those were my thoughts as I jumped back into my seat. The sky looked heavy, like it could start pouring any minute. The governor stopped at the gate to ask a young man if it was the last day of ‘Okerejuju’ festival. It was. So, it would rain. It was a myth that had never failed. It must rain on the last day of the festival. All I can tell you today is that Okerejuju is the annual festival in Warri where women get to taunt men all day all night explicitly and with euphoric carefree abandon. Maybe the festival means other things but the taunting part, I heard, is so colourful I have promised myself to return next year. This year, I wish Warri men luck in the hands of their tormentors.
Caught unaware
I was still imagining the Okerejuju torment session when I noticed that we were in another school; Nana Model Secondary School. Very nice place, the kind of school that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. There are 18 of this type across the state.
I just stood there nodding, soaking it in. I then had to run to catch up with my host who was already heading for the staff room. He’d caught everybody unaware. I bet you can imagine this scenario. The governor just appears in the staff room in short sleeves! Beads of sweat, muddled up sentences and then long sentences in response to the governor’s simple questions were signs the teachers were rattled.
We were moving from the administrative block to the laboratory when the governor noticed that a student was in distress. Twelve-year-old Favour seemed to be having problem breathing and one of the teachers was holding her. Uduaghan, the governor promptly gave way for Uduaghan, the doctor.
In no time, he had a stethoscope round his neck and the patient on the examination table in the sick bay. He palpated, checked the pulse of the girl while speaking softly to the patient. When he was sure the patient was not in any immediate danger, he handed her over to the nurse on duty.
In the physics and biology laboratory, the nice equipment and expensive gadgets were covered in dust. The floor was not even swept. The place was so unkempt the governor promptly summoned the Commissioner for Education.
The governor was back.
In JS 2F, he intervened to teach Basic Social Studies. I settled in beside one of the students and soon got lost downloading the events of the past one hour on my I-pad when the governor suddenly called me to answer a question. I jumped to my feet but I didn’t even hear the question. The whole class laughed. Chaaiii! This kin’ disgrace.
‘Man wey go go out, even if your breasts stand, he go still go out.’
Driving through a side street into another, we soon reached Central Hospital where once again Dr Uduaghan was in his element. The man is first and foremost a doctor and the Mother and Child Care Centre is the one achievement closest to his heart.
‘M’igwo.’ The room full of women in different stages of pregnancy greeted the governor.
He asked them questions about their health, their EDD (Expected delivery Date) and then launched into a family planning counselling because a few of the women were carrying their fourth pregnancies and one was expecting a sixth child. Midway into the lecture, a heavily pregnant one dragged her bulk through the door. Even the governor had to pause.
‘This your belle dey laugh o. When are you due?’ He asked.
The woman had less than four weeks to go.
He also encouraged the women to breastfeed their babies well because breast milk is the best milk ever for an infant. For those who were worried about losing the attention and affection of their husbands because breastfeeding would make their breasts sag, Governor Uduaghan had this to say:
‘The baby owns the breast during the breastfeeding months. The man takes his turn later. Please breastfeed your baby well. Do not deprive the baby just because you are afraid your man will lose interest in you if your breasts sag. Man wey go go out, even if your breasts stand, he go still go out.’
True talk. Fallen hero or upstanding one, a man does not really need an excuse to try out a new field. He does it because he wants to.
And then it was affirmation time.
‘How many of una dey pay money to come here?’ The governor asked.
‘No money.’ The pregnant women answered.
‘Anybody who ask una for money…Hoooly Ghost…’
‘Fireee!’
That was a new one, I muttered under my breath. This Holy Ghost fire agreement seemed to be the governor’s way of checking or marking those who may be trying to undo government policy. The prompt response made me smile.
You can’t service a loan while servicing a new wife…
From the Central Hospital, we stopped over briefly at the Governor’s Office Annex before setting out for Eku. the governor was still driving.
We arrived Eku at 11.20 to a tumultuous welcome. At first I thought we were in a market. I must confess I didn’t really know what we were coming here to do. All I knew about this town was the renowned Baptist Hospital. The governor parked our ride and moved into the arena, acknowledging cheers and shaking hands. He moved from stall to stall, stand to stand, taking a scoop of ‘gaari’ here and a ‘puff puff’ there. Welcome to the Delta State Micro Credit Programme (DMCP) loan disbursement exercise in EKU, Ethiope East Local Government are. Today, 130 beneficiaries would receive interest-free loans from the state and the governor was there with his deputy, Prof. Amos Utuama to do the honours.
Before handing over the certificates which each recipient would access the loan from the designated Micro-Finance houses, the governor had words of advice for them. That was after he had danced to his heart’s content. He can sing too, this governor.
He advised the men to grow the money and ensure diligent repayment as the women had done better in that department than men. Well, who is surprised? Women are better managers of resourses. That’s why 67,000 women had benefited already. When a man makes more money, he wants more women, more cars. more girls even. When he makes new money, he automatically concludes that he must get a new wife. And you cannot service a loan while servicing a new wife, right? The women were also advised not to let their husbands take advantage of the ‘raining season’ to take the loans away from them. If a man introduces an interlude of money-related pillow talk during conjugal duties hour, ‘just tie your wrapper and commot,’ said Dr Anthonia Ashiedu, Mama Prosperity. My interpretation: if your husband tries to talk you into parting with your loan, suspend his conjugal rights until he repents. Ah ah ah.
Uduaghan is speech-on-wheels
Seriously, this is a laudable project. The who had benefitted were emotional as they gave testimonies of how the loans had changed their lives for better. The reach of the scheme is wide and what party card you carry does not matter. This is Delta money for Delta people. The governor was very excited too and this event showed that he had hidden talents. He can dance though I’m not sure he’d make any money from singing.
However, he is very much the politician and he didn’t forget to milk the event for the politicking ahead. If you have any doubts, find a meaning for this.
‘Area boy no get pension
Your-boys-dey-here no get pension.
Obtaining no get pension
This money wey you dey get from this scheme, make una grow am make it become big for una hand.
I don do wetin I promise and na so I go dey do am until I commot
I wan’ make everybody life change for better.
But it get something wey you too go do for me o.
Anybody wey I bring come here come raise im hand,
Whether na councillor or na honourable or na governor, una go accept am?
There was followed by a resounding We go accept am.
And then this:
‘Anybody wey change this agreement, Holy Ghost…
And the people chorused:
‘Fireee.’
With that the Eku agreement was signed.
Did I tell you, the governor forgot his speech in Warri? Which speech writer would have written all that, in Waffi and Urhobo, anyway? The man is speech on wheels, I said to myself.
At Eku Baptist Hospital
This place is about 70 years old but the years are not showing because the Uduaghan government has ‘reloaded’ it. Very impressive equipment but what struck me most is the neatness, the well kept premises. Without the signage, you could drive past the complex and think it is an estate in a cool neighbourhood. The governor said the hospital has always been like that, with a tradition for neatness. Oh, of course the doctors were not on duty. Thank God for nurses who were on hand when a convulsing toddler arrived. And the gunshot patient in the male ward. Hmmm.
More than a traffic jam
At exactly 1.13 pm, we left the hospital. On the ride back to Warri, I asked Governor Uduaghan which of his projects excites him most. It was the Maternal and Child Care programme.
‘Those pregnant women being able to access free ante-natal care makes me happy. Most of those you saw today probably would not have been there if they had to pay.’
Back in Warri, we ran into a traffic jam and an impatient guy in his SUV was driving against traffic. How could he know it was his day of embarrassment or that the governor was in the vehicle he was facing. The governor drove slowly towards him and stopped. His hands flailing in anger. He was saying stuff too but we couldn’t hear. He soon realised he was in a worse jam than the traffic one when he saw it was the governor at the wheel. The security guys promptly went to explain his folly to him and the need for him to reverse and return to his lane. We thought he had repented but we soon found him trying to climb the road divider, instead of doing a proper U-turn two minutes later. I’d pay good money to know what was going on in the mind of the babe sitting beside this guy. The governor was getting angry now. He blocked him again with the G-Wag. I checked out the recalcitrant driver’s number plate and it was a Delta one. Surprise surprise, I thought drivers like this all live in Lagos.
The governor and Dr Sid
We moved to the table but I really had no appetite.
This flu has killed my appetite. I was still pushing my food around in my plate when Dr Sid, yeah, the doctor-turned- musician son of late actor, Justus Esiri entered with the drink to invite the governor for his traditional wedding.
‘Now that your colleagues are on strike, shouldn’t you come and put your certificate to work?’ The governor asked Dr Sid who readily agreed that it was actually a good idea for celeb doctors to return to the consulting rooms at a time like this.
6th Chief of Naval Staff Swimming Competition
The governor returned to the living room to welcome the Chief of Naval Staff and his entourage. The yellow shirt and black trousers were gone. In their place is a gray-coloured sportswear.
It was time to join the 6th Chief of Naval Staff Open Swimming Competition at Olympic size swimming pool complex, Warri.
Delta has two world class Olympic-sized pools and the Warri one is a beauty to behold. The event itself was a great one. This is a state of swimmers and they carted away virtually all the medals to the delight of their governor who after doing the honours of decorating the medallists threatened to show off his swimming skills. Imagine! Orits Wiliki, Dr Sid, Sheyi Shay, Fanny Amun and Dede Mabiaku joined us to prevail on him to leave the matter for another day. He graciously returned to his seat.
Special 100 days prayers for the Chibok girls
The governor now in brown kaftan drove us to the Government House Chapel for the Special 100 days prayer for the abducted students of Government Secondary School, Chibok, Borno State. With the men’s hands raised and the women’s hands on their breasts, we sought the face of God for mercy and release of our daughters and sisters in captivity. The governor using Psalm 23 admonished Nigerians to pray always for president Goodluck Jonathan at this difficult time.
What tennis does for Uduaghan
It was 7.20 pm and time to head for the tennis court. The man no dey tire? You would think the man would just have dinner and return to his files and political meetings but no he was in shorts and there was still a spring in his step. We hopped in the car again.
I sat on one side of the court at a table, following the ball, wondering where he found the energy to run and hit the ball with precision after 12 hours of non-stop driving, speeches, singing, dancing and project inspection. The court , red and green, looked inviting all right but all I could think of was my hotel room bed and a hot soak in the big bath tub. After
40 minutes of plenty of running , he quit. I confessed that I had never really understood tennis and how the points were arrived at. He took me to the court and showed me the boxes, what each one meant, the implication of the ball hitting the net and what a second chance meant.
Thank God, this first lesson was just a theories class.
Why does he play tennis even after a full day of activities?
‘It relaxes me, takes out the tension. Now I’m ready for the rest of the day.’
Ah ah, and there I was thinking the day was coming to a close.
True, when we got back to Ogunu Road, the living room was filled with visitors. Two of them, I learnt, are gubernatorial aspirants.
Dinner over, the governor told me he would be seeing his visitors in a private room, so I could call it a day if I wanted. I waited a while, then took his advice. Looked like the rest of the night would be about politics and politicians. My bed beckoned.
Anything that tries to disturb my sleep after this long day, Holy Ghost…..Fireeee.
It was just a few minutes before 10 p.m.
Culled from SUN