Bad relationships can actually make you feel depressed; be on the lookout for these tell-tale signs.
Depression can come from a disorder of power. If you are feeling powerless in your relationship, either in general or because of a particular problem, the odds are high that depression will creep into your emotional state. Depression can feel like you are under a perpetual dark cloud, and it also causes uncharacteristically negative thoughts about yourself, others and your future. If you are feeling powerless, experiencing dark moods, or noticing unusually negative thoughts, it might be time to check out the patterns of communication in your relationship and see if your relationship is what’s making you depressed.
Here are 10 relationship warning signs to note. Recognizing the danger indicators is the first step toward protecting yourself. Fortunately, there are actions you can take to combat each of these dangers. Danger signs aren’t the kiss of death for a relationship. They do, however, urge you to beware and to take adequate safety measures. Also, don’t forget that women and men are equally likely to experience depression in relationships.
1. Domination: Depression can emerge when you feel smaller and less powerful than the person you are interacting with. However, not all power differences create depression. For instance, a parent has most of the power in a healthy parent-child relationship, but as long as the parent uses this power to nurture rather than to dominate over the child, all will be well. Inlove relationships between two adults though, shared power is much healthier.
2. Criticism and complaints: “I don’t like your hair that way.” “You shouldn’t have bought that new sweater.” Telling someone they’ve done or are doing something wrong is a put-down. Feedback is a not problem, but criticism is. Feedback lets you know in a gentle way that something you have been doing is problematic and it usually starts with an “I” statement: “I get nervous that men will find you sexually attractive when you wear your hair that way,” or “I felt uncomfortable when I saw your new sweater because I’m worried about whether we’re going to have enough money to cover our bills this month.” By contrast, critical words and a judgmental tone of voice are what make criticism and complaints problematic.
3. Telling you what to do. Bossy attitudes are demoralizing. Even a benign order like “Go get the paper for me, honey,” is likely to trigger either irritation or depression in the receiver because no one likes being told what to do. It’s better to ask.
4. Controlling behavior. What to do with your time, controlling finances, friendship choices and how much you can visit your family: all these behaviors are likely to invite feelings of depression. Remember: depression can be a disorder of power. When your spouse or partner takes away your power to make personal decisions or at least to contribute jointly to decisions, depression can be imminent.
5. I’m always right. It’s fine for your loved one to be right, as long as he doesn’t require being right all the time. If your partner’s being right means that your views are totally wrong, that’s a problem.
6. My way or the highway. In a healthy relationship, both partners’ concerns count. That’s true whether the decision they are making is a small one like what to eat for dinner, or a big one like how to investment money or where to live. If your voice doesn’t seem to count, you’ll be at risk for feeling powerless amd depressed.
7. He’s depressed. Depression is contagious. When someone is depressed they tend to see the world — including you — as if they are looking through dark glasses. The result is that they will mostly see negatives when they look at themselves, others and the future. If you adopt their view, you’ll sink down emotionally too.
8. He’s irritible and quick to anger. Anger spreads toxic negative energy. This toxicity can induce depression in the receiver of anger. Anger is disturbing and unpleasant to witness even for on-lookers. For recipients of anger, the toxicity is even more so.
9. He’s abusive. Abuse can be expressed emotionally in a partner’s critical and controlling attitude, verbally with name-calling, or physically by pushing, throwing things, or hitting. All of these forms of abuse are incompatible with a loving relationship. The impulse to hurt someone is the opposite of the impulse to love, nurture and be intimate. Any form of putting you down engenders depression. Any form of appreciation adds to your good feelings. It’s pretty simple.
10. He doesn’t do his share. A partner who takes on active roles in the project of living and loving together is a joy to partner with. Whether he scrambles eggs for the two of you in the morning or scurries around with a quick cleanup before visitors arrive, helping is loving. By contrast, a partner who does not do his part is passively provocative. The irritation or anger you will feel in response signals that you are not getting a full adult partner.
So if you don’t want your relationship to be making you depressed (and who does?); if you want to enjoy life rather than feeling bogged down in a fog of negative thoughts and feelings, then pay attention to these signs. Discuss them with your partner, but do so carefully. Complaints and criticism might invite your partner to either feel depressed themselves or fight back. So use your best tactful communication and listening skills to agree on new rules for being together, and you will soon replace darkness with sunshine for both of you.
Denver psychologist and marriage counselor Susan Heitler, PhD, is author of the interactive website PowerOfTwoMarriage.com which teaches the skills for sustaining a loving relationship.